More on endings

The end of the school year is just a few short days away. Although I don't have off for the summers like Dept of Ed staff, I can work at a slower, less chaotic pace and finally finish up those treatment plans from 3 months ago. But like I told Y, one of my kindergarteners (soon to be a first grader), all change can be difficult, even if we are looking forward to it and even if it is positive. Her mother was concerned about a recent pattern of enuresis (involuntary wetting) during the day and night. Based on Y’s history, particularly that the same thing happened at the beginning of kindergarten, I think she is anxious about the end of the year.

I too feel anxious, but not because I'm nervous about whether or not I will like my new teacher in September. I'm distressed because I can't believe another year has gone by--how did that happen?? I'm anxious because I feel that a change has to occur in my life and soon, and unlike 5 year-old Y, I am the only one who can initiate that change. I've had several moments (even after I passed my mid 20's) in which I reveled in being an adult. Controlling my money, my time, my diet, my vacations and all my decisions, both big and little can be so empowering. But sometimes I just want someone else to make my decisions for me because change can be scary, even if it's for the best. No, I am not wetting my pants at work, but sometimes I feel like I am doing the equivalent--bingeing on ice cream and cereal, crying silently on the subway, window shopping so I can focus on finding a cute summer skirt instead of stressing about how or if to end a relationship, thus changing the course of my life that I thought I was on for the past 5 years.

But I digress. This blog is supposed to be about my job, but lately I've been spending so much time spinning in my head that it's hard to focus on my clients. This can be dangerous because I start to make session content about me--"Why is she pretending like she doesn't hear me?? Why is she angry with me?"--instead of more appropriately considering what my clients are playing out with me (because it's not really "me," it's whoever I've become through transference). Good thing I have a supervisor who brings me back to the clinical context. But sometimes I hear myself making comments or suggestions to a client and I realize that I need to be saying those same things to myself.

"Change can be really difficult and scary, even if you're excited to go to the first grade. Let's think of some times when you've had to deal to change before and how you handled it. It sounds like you were patient with yourself, and you found some things to comfort you, like painting with your mom every Saturday and imagining all the fun things you could do at your new school.

It sounds like you were very brave."